Flatulence

About a month ago, I went to the V. A. to inquire about my uncontrolled flatulence. My appointment was on the seventh floor, so I had to use the elevator. Realizing my condition I said to myself, “Oh my God, elevator! Oh no!” But I had no choice.

I walked to the nearest elevator and waited for one that was not too busy. Waited and waited. They were all packed up each time I tried to board one.

Being an old smart ass, I decided to go to the Medical personnel only elevator. I knew they would not mind an old man.. They would probably assume I didn’t know any better.

Before I stepped in, I made sure I had cleared myself of any pending eruption. Confidently, I walked in the elevator before anyone else did, but as soon as the doors were about to shut, a large hand sneaked in between the doors and I heard someone holler, “Hold it please.” Five doctors walked in. Three females and two males. All wearing white gowns and shiny blue masks. I was wearing a red mask.

“Oh no,” I said to myself “not again!”

I had no choice but try to hold off my malady with the greatest effort I could muster. Unfortunately, they were going to the “seventh floor”, the same one I was going to.

I tried very hard to control my “FLATULENCE”. I put one hand over my mouth, and the other on my butt. Hopping to control it. Luckily, I was on a corner and was less conspicuous. I was praying I could hold it.

The elevator started moving up. Second floor. Third floor. In between the third and the fourth, I couldn’t hold it any longer. I felt my eyes were about to pop out. Then, I let the loudest, longest, everlasting FART any human could ever utter. It must have lasted 15 seconds or more and with a “fetid smell”, that even I was gagging.

The lady Doctors, one by one reacted with, “Oh my God.” “I can’t breathe.” One almost fainted.. A male doctor hollered, “let me out of here.” Then abruptly, as soon as the doors to the fourth floor opened, they all ran out.

I only managed to yell at them. “This is only the fourth floor!”

The End